You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
