did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
