some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
