3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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