Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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