hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
