Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
