you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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