Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
