Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
