Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
