Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
