take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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