I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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