I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
