she woke up with a sticky ear
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
