Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
