I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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