guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
