can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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