he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
