So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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