now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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