u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
