The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
