I accidentally had phone sex last night
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Randomize