Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
