The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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