My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
