I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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