Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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