dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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