I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
