Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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