If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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