ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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