the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
