It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize
