I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
