Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
