Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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