New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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