end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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