brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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