well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You brought string cheese to the strip club
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
