I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
