I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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