And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
