I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
