two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize