btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
