im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
