He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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