brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
