she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
